Monty's Steakhouse in Topanga Canyon: A Disappointing Dining Disaster

If you're looking for a way to ruin a perfectly good evening, look no further than Monty's Steakhouse in Topanga Canyon. From the moment you step through the door, you're greeted with an overwhelming sense of regret.

Let's start with the servers, who seem to have mastered the art of making guests feel unwelcome. Our waiter, ‘Madonna’ had all the charm of a disgruntled DMV employee and the attentiveness of a sloth on sedatives. Getting her attention was like trying to flag down a taxi during rush hour - in the Sahara Desert.

But the real star of this culinary catastrophe was the food itself. The steaks, allegedly the house specialty, were about as tender as old leather boots and had roughly the same flavor profile. Mine arrived overcooked, despite ordering it medium-rare. I've had more satisfying meals from gas station vending machines.

The sides were equally uninspiring. The mashed potatoes had the consistency of wallpaper paste, and the vegetables looked like they had been steamed into submission sometime last week. As for the sauce... well, let's just say it added an exciting element of risk to the meal.

To top it all off, the prices were astronomical. We’ve never paid so much for food I couldn't bring myself to finish. The only silver lining was that the dim lighting made it harder to see just how unappetizing everything looked.

If you enjoy mediocre food, lackluster service, and the feeling of being thoroughly ripped off, then Monty's Steakhouse is the place for you. Otherwise, we’d recommend finding a nice cardboard box to chew on - it'll be more satisfying and probably have better texture than anything you'll find here.