Damn Right, Fugitive Scum Nabbed After High-Speed Clusterfuck in Monroe
written by a member of the WCB
MONROE, NC - In a balls-to-the-wall pursuit that would make any red-blooded American proud, law enforcement finally caught up with a piece of shit fugitive wanted for grand larceny in South Carolina. The bastard's now cooling his heels in the Union County Detention Center after leading cops on a wild-ass chase in a stolen ride.
Monroe's finest slapped the cuffs on 26-year-old Ryan Bumgarner, a Huntersville lowlife, early Monday morning. These badass cops tried to halt the stolen vehicle around 8:45 AM, but the chicken-shit driver floored it, kicking off a high-octane pursuit that tore through Indian Trail before circling back to Monroe like a dog chasing its own damn tail.
The shitshow finally wrapped up at the intersection of Rocky River Road and Secrest Short Cut Road. Paramedics had to scrape Bumgarner's sorry ass off the pavement and haul him to the hospital for some boo-boos. Talk about a fucking participation trophy.
This waste of oxygen is now facing a laundry list of charges that'll make your head spin:
- Possession of a stolen motor vehicle (because apparently, this dipshit can't afford his own wheels)
- Felony flee to elude (running from the law like a little bitch)
- Injury to personal property (because fuck other people's stuff, right?)
- Assault with a deadly weapon (his driving skills, probably)
- Possession of marijuana (shocking)
- Hit and run (hit 'em and quit 'em, eh?)
- Fail to stop at a steady red light (traffic laws are for pussies)
- No operator's license (who needs permission to drive, anyway?)
- Driving the wrong way on a dual lane highway (because following arrows is too damn hard)
As if that wasn't enough to keep this jackass busy, Bumgarner had a stack of outstanding felony warrants from Mecklenburg County. The cherry on top of this shit sundae includes larceny of a motor vehicle, financial card theft, and just plain old larceny. A real Renaissance man of crime, this one.
Let this be a lesson to all you wannabe criminals out there: You can run, but you can't hide from the long dick of the law. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a stiff drink after reporting on this clusterfuck of human failure.