Mangione Mayhem: Tale of Media Fuckery
written by a member of the WCB
Alright, you sons of bitches, gather 'round. It's time to set the record straight on this Luigi Mangione shitstorm that's been brewing. Buckle up, because we're about to dive into a clusterfuck of epic proportions that'll make your fraternity hazing look like a goddamn tea party.
Listen up, you Ivy League wannabes. We've got a situation that's more twisted than a game of Twister after a keg stand. Our girl Kaitlan Collins, CNN's ballsiest reporter, is catching heat from the conservative crowd faster than a freshman catches mono at a sorority mixer.
The Shitstorm Begins: Collins' X-rated Mistake
Collins, in a move that's got more balls than a baseball factory, dropped a link to Luigi Mangione's defense team's website on X. Now, before you start foaming at the mouth like a rabid squirrel, let's get one thing straight: she wasn't passing around a collection plate for this alleged killer.
Conservative Crybabies: A Symphony of Butthurt
Faster than you can say "keg stand," the right-wing crybabies started wailing like they'd just lost their trust funds. They accused Collins of "promoting a murderer" and called it "bottom of the barrel stuff." Jesus H. Christ, you'd think she'd personally handed Mangione a get-out-of-jail-free card and a bottle of Dom Pérignon.
Collins Claps Back: The Art of the Bitchslap
But our girl Collins isn't some freshman pledge you can push around. She hit back harder than a linebacker after a bad call. "This is not true," she declared, shutting down the New York Post faster than campus security breaks up a frat party. She made it crystal clear: she was reporting news, not running a fucking telethon for Mangione.
Truth Behind the Bullshit
Now, let's get one thing straight, you knuckle-dragging neanderthals. The website Collins linked to isn't some GoFundMe for murderers. It's a one-stop-shop for case updates, court schedules, and statements from Mangione's legal team. Yes, it has a donation link, but so does your mom's church bake sale website. Doesn't mean she's running a gambling ring with the proceeds from her snickerdoodles.
CNN's Got Collins' Back
And before you start thinking CNN's gonna throw Collins under the bus faster than a pledge who can't hold his liquor, think again. They're standing by her like a brotherhood pact, calling this whole shitstorm "a deceptive story without any merit."
Takeaway: Don't Be a Dumbass
So, what's the moral of this story, you future leaders of America? Don't jump to conclusions faster than you'd jump into a pool of beer. Collins was doing her job, reporting on a newsworthy development. She wasn't cheerleading for a killer or passing around a collection plate at the Murderers' Ball.
Remember, in the immortal words of that great philosopher, Animal House's Bluto: "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" And it's not over now. So keep your wits about you, your bullshit detectors on high alert, and for fuck's sake, learn to read beyond the headlines.
Class dismissed, you magnificent bastards. Now go hit the books... or the bar. I don't give a shit which, as long as you remember: in the game of media and politics, not everything is as it fucking seems.