Her Body is Bible: A Guide for the (next-gen) Conservative Christian Man
Ah, my dear brothers in Christ, gather 'round for a sermon most divine! Today, we delve into the sacred scriptures of modern vernacular, decoding the cryptic messages of our youth. Prepare yourselves for a revelation that may shake the very foundations of your faith… in your ability to understand the next generation.
The Gospel According to Gen Z
Behold! A new commandment has been etched into the stone tablets of social media: “Her body is Bible.” But fear not, for this is not a call to idolatry, my righteous friends. Oh no, it’s much worse – it’s slang.
In the hallowed halls of TikTok and the sacred grounds of Instagram, our young disciples speak in tongues that would make the apostles scratch their heads in confusion. “Her body is Bible” is their way of saying a woman’s figure is – brace yourselves – perfect.
Keeping the Faith (and Your Cool)
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But brother, isn’t coveting thy neighbor’s wife a sin?” Well, aren’t you just a regular ol’ Pharisee! This phrase isn’t about coveting; it’s about reverence. It’s about treating a woman’s body with the same respect and awe you’d give to the Good Book itself.
So, how can you, a God-fearing man of tradition, adapt to this new gospel without losing your soul to the devil of political incorrectness? Fear not, for I shall guide you through this valley of linguistic shadows.
Embrace the Metaphor: Just as you interpret the Bible, interpret this phrase. Her body isn’t literally a Bible (that would be uncomfortable for everyone involved), but it is sacred, unique, and worthy of respect.
Practice Holy Compliments: Instead of “Hey baby, you’re smokin’,” try “Your form is as divinely crafted as the Sistine Chapel.” It’s creepy either way, but at least the latter shows you’ve been to Sunday school.
Maintain a Respectful Distance: Remember, you wouldn’t dog-ear the pages of your Bible, so don’t even think about getting handsy without explicit permission.
Spread the Word (Responsibly): Share this newfound knowledge with your fellow brethren, but maybe not during the church potluck. There’s a time and place for everything, and Ethel’s famous casserole deserves your full attention.
The Revelation
In conclusion, my brothers, “Her body is Bible” is not a call to stray from the path of righteousness. It’s a reminder that all of God’s creations are worthy of reverence and respect. By understanding and adapting to this new language, you’re not compromising your values; you’re evolving them.
Remember, Jesus was a revolutionary in his time. He adapted the word of God for a new generation. Now it’s your turn to turn the other cheek… and maybe learn a thing or two from the youth.
Go forth and spread this good news, but remember: the most divine thing you can do is to treat everyone, regardless of gender, with the respect and dignity they deserve. After all, isn’t that what being a true Christian is all about?
Amen, and may your memes be ever dank.
-r+b(nm)