How to Be a Rockstar Without Being a fucking Douchebag
Alright, listen up you magnificent bastards! It's time to learn how to be a goddamn rockstar without turning into a total piece of sh*t. It's like trying to walk a tightrope while chugging a beer and giving the finger to gravity – not easy, but damn if it ain't worth it. So buckle up, buttercup, 'cause we're about to go on a wild ride through the land of awesome.
Rule #1: You're Not Jesus, You're Just Some Dude with Good Hair
Look, I get it. You've got abs that could grate cheese and hair that makes Fabio look like a bald eagle. But here's a newsflash, hot shot: you're not the second coming of Christ. You're just some dude who happened to win the genetic lottery. So keep that ego in check before it writes checks your ass can't cash. The Good Book says, "Pride goes before destruction" (Proverbs 16:18), and let me tell you, nothing screams "destruction" like thinking you're God's gift to mankind and ending up face-down in a pool of your own vomit at a Wendy's parking lot.
Rule #2: Treat Women Like the Badass Queens They Are, You Neanderthal
I know, I know. You think you've got more game than a PlayStation convention. But here's a wild f*cking idea: how about treating women with some goddamn respect? Jesus hung out with women and didn't act like a creepy douchebag, so channel your inner Christ and stop being a dick. "Do to others as you would have them do to you" (Luke 6:31). Unless you want to be treated like a piece of meat at a vegan barbecue, don't do it to others. And for the love of all that's holy, keep your damn hands to yourself unless explicitly invited to do otherwise.
Rule #3: Party Like a Rock God, But Keep It Holy-ish
Let's be real, we all love a good f*cking rager. But there's a fine line between having a blast and waking up in a ditch with a new tattoo of a unicorn riding a taco while giving the middle finger to sobriety. Have fun, but try to keep it somewhat classy, you animal. "Be alert and of sober mind" (1 Peter 5:8). You can still be the life of the party without becoming a cautionary tale on one of those cheesy "one night of partying gone wrong" documentaries. Aim to be the guy who has epic stories, not the guy who becomes one.
Rule #4: Share the Damn Spotlight, You Attention Whore
You might be talented as f*ck, but remember, you're not a one-man band (unless you actually are, in which case, rock on, you crazy multi-instrumental bastard). Give credit where it's due, you selfish prick. Lift up your bros and the people around you instead of trying to hog all the glory like some kind of spotlight-hogging vampire. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves" (Philippians 2:3). It's not just good karma; it's good Christianity. Plus, it's a hell of a lot easier to reach the top if you're not stepping on everyone's face on the way up.
Rule #5: Keep It Real or Get the F*ck Out
In a world full of fake news, photoshopped abs, and people who think pineapple belongs on pizza, be the real fcking deal. Don't pretend to be something you're not, because that sht is exhausting and frankly, pathetic. God made you awesome already (or maybe it was random chance, who the fck knows), so own that sht. "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor" (Ephesians 4:25). Plus, lying is more tiring than trying to understand quantum physics while hungover. Ain't nobody got time for that crap.
Rule #6: Don't Be a Judgmental Prick
Yeah, I know we're all about that Christian life, but that doesn't give you a free pass to be a holier-than-thou asshole. Judge not, lest ye be judged and all that jazz (Matthew 7:1). You're not the morality police, so stop acting like you've got a badge that gives you the right to shit on everyone else's parade. We've all got our own demons, so focus on wrestling yours instead of pointing out everyone else's.
Rule #7: Give Back, You Lucky Bastard
If you've made it big, don't be a stingy dickwad. Spread that wealth around like you're Johnny F*cking Appleseed, but with dollar bills instead of apple trees. "Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the Lord" (Proverbs 19:17). Plus, it's hard to be a douchebag when you're actually helping people. It's like trying to be an asshole while petting puppies – practically impossible.
So there you have it, you glorious bastards. You can totally be a rockstar without being a complete tool. It's all about finding that sweet spot between being awesome and not being a total dickhead. Now go forth and rock on with your bad self, but keep it righteous, you beautiful disasters. And remember, Jesus loves you, but everyone else will think you're an asshole unless you follow these rules. Peace out, and may God have mercy on your wild souls!
-deck