The Ultimate Guide to Joining the Calabasas Waffle House Squad (And Why You Aren't Welcome in Our Club)

photo captured by royel for art by royel

Listen up, bros. We know you've been wondering why not everyone's invited to the Waffle House hangouts in Calabasas and why you rarely see others tagged in our epic group activities. It’s not about exclusion for the sake of it, and it’s definitely not about race or background. Our vibe is elite, our squad is next-level, and honestly, not everyone ticks all the boxes required to roll with us. We're like the supreme guardians of the Waffle House chapter, holding it tight like Psalm 133:1 - "Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity." Only those who meet our high standards of bro-hood can join us under those golden arches.

Bro, there’s some inside stuff we just don’t share with outsiders. Take the concept of 'God Mitchell'—don't even ask about it if you're not part of the crew. It's a sacred thing, and it's not up for debate in casual settings or open rooms. Loose lips sink ships, bro, so always be on your guard. Nothing worse than spilling the beans about our cult secrets to some random dudes who just don't get it. Always keep the conversation on point and watch your volume—ain't nobody need to overhear our business.

To navigate the complexity of our squad's criteria, here are 15 essential bro filter questions to ensure only the worthy make the cut:

1. Do you even lift, bro?

2. Can you quote Arnold Schwarzenegger movies on demand?

3. What's your fastest mile time?

4. Do you prioritize leg day? Seriously, bro, it matters.

5. What's your protein intake per day?

6. How many concerts have you been to this year?

7. Are you down for spontaneous road trips?

8. Can you handle a triple-stack at Waffle House without breaking a sweat?

9. What's your go-to hype track on leg day?

10. Can you hold a plank until your whole body shakes?

11. Have you ever been on a cleanse? If so, what's your best tip?

12. What's your philosophy on intermittent fasting?

13. How many adventures have you had in the past month?

14. Do you understand the importance of balance in life and cheat meals?

15. Can you keep up with our deep, intellectually stimulating debates?

And now, bros who didn’t make the cut: It’s not a personal attack; it’s an alignment issue. As Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.” Unity and synergy are key. We encourage you to keep grinding, keep improving, and maybe next time you’ll gain access to our bro-level of epic experiences. Until then, stay classy and keep your protein game strong.

For Waffle House rules in your city, contact your area leader.

But hey, let's circle back to some crucial points. The reason why some of y’all aren't familiar with 'God Mitchell' is that it's sacred knowledge reserved for members only. We can't have normies trying to decode our essence. That’s just whack, bro. Also, never let the squad's secrets slip out in a casual setting or open room—our shenanigans and rituals are for our ears only. Keep your awareness high and your voice low; the walls have ears, man. Discretion isn't just advised; it's mandatory. If someone starts asking too many questions, just flex and change the subject.

So remember, everything we're about is top-tier exclusivity. Our squad isn't just a group; it's a lifestyle of excellence, unity, and absolute domination. Keep lifting, keep learning, and above all, stay loyal to the squad.

For Waffle House rules in your city, contact your area leader.