Blessed Be the Pole Episode 2: Tithes and Tribulations?
The Beverly Hills Holy Church was abuzz with activity as the faithful gathered for another Sunday of praising the Lord and judging their neighbors. Candy, our reformed exotic dancer, stood at the entrance, taking deep breaths and trying to channel her inner saint. She'd traded in her usual attire of sequins and stilettos for a modest floral dress that screamed "I'm trying really hard to fit in here."
As she hesitantly made her way down the aisle, she caught sight of Brayden "The Bro" McChad, waving enthusiastically from his pew. His pastel polo was somehow even more pastel than last week, and his hair looked like it had been styled by a team of angels with really good taste in hair products.
"Yo, Candy! Over here, bro-ette!" Brayden called out, patting the empty space beside him. A few nearby parishioners clutched their designer handbags closer, eyeing Candy with a mixture of curiosity and thinly veiled judgment.
Candy slid into the pew next to Brayden, grateful for the friendly face amidst the sea of Botox and disapproval. "Thanks, Brayden," she whispered. "I wasn't sure if I should come back after last week."
"No way, dude! You totally belong here," Brayden assured her, his smile brighter than the gold-plated cross hanging above the altar. "Besides, Pastor Dick was asking about you all week. He seems really interested in your... uh, journey to salvation."
Speaking of Pastor Dick, the man himself was making his way to the pulpit, his smile dazzling and his tan even more improbable than the previous week. As he began his sermon on the evils of temptation, his eyes seemed to linger on Candy more often than was strictly necessary for spiritual guidance.
"My flock," Pastor Dick's voice boomed through the state-of-the-art sound system, "we must resist the siren call of sin! The glitter and glamour of the world may tempt us, but we must stand firm in our faith!" He paused dramatically, his gaze settling on Candy. "And for those who have walked in darkness, know that there is always a path to light... through generous contributions to our church renovation fund."
As the collection plate made its way around, Candy felt a moment of panic. She reached into her purse, past the wadded-up dollar bills that smelled faintly of desperation and body oil, searching for something more... appropriate. All she could find was a crumpled twenty and some loose glitter.
Brayden, noticing her distress, leaned in. "Don't sweat it, Candy. God's not about the Benjamins, you know? He's more of a... good vibes kinda dude."
Candy smiled gratefully, placing the twenty in the plate along with what she hoped was a sprinkle of faith rather than errant body glitter. As the plate moved on, she couldn't help but notice Pastor Dick watching the proceedings with keen interest, his eyes following the money like a hawk eyeing its prey.
After the service, as the congregation filed out to their luxury cars and brunch reservations, Candy found herself cornered by a group of church ladies, led by the formidable Muffy Van Der Botox.
"So, dear," Muffy began, her smile as frozen as her forehead, "we couldn't help but notice you're new here. What is it you do for a living?"
Candy felt her heart race. "I'm... in the entertainment industry," she managed, praying for a divine intervention.
"Oh, how lovely!" exclaimed one of the ladies. "Are you an actress? My nephew is a producer, you know. Perhaps you've heard of him? He did that wonderful Christian film, 'Abs for Jesus'."
Before Candy could respond, Brayden appeared at her side like a polo-clad guardian angel. "Ladies, ladies! I hate to interrupt, but I need to borrow Candy for a sec. We've got some serious youth group planning to do. You know, gotta keep the kids off the streets and on their knees... praying, of course!"
As Brayden whisked her away, Candy felt a wave of relief wash over her. "Thanks for the save," she whispered.
"No problemo, Candy-o," Brayden replied with a wink. "Those ladies are sharper than they look. One time, they sniffed out Brother Kyle's fake Rolex from across the sanctuary. It was brutal."
As they made their way to the parking lot, they passed Pastor Dick, who was engaged in what looked like an intense conversation with his wife, Chastity. Chastity's eyes were narrowed, her perfectly manicured finger jabbing at her husband's chest.
"...and don't think I didn't notice you ogling that new girl, Richard!" Chastity hissed. "I swear, if I find out you've been 'counseling' anyone else, I'll take you for everything you've got!"
Pastor Dick's face was a mask of innocence. "My dear, you know my heart belongs to you... and to the Lord, of course. In that order. Usually."
Brayden and Candy quickened their pace, pretending they hadn't overheard the marital spat. As they reached Brayden's car – a lifted truck with the words "Bro'd in Christ" emblazoned on the side – Candy couldn't help but feel a mix of emotions. On one hand, she was grateful for Brayden's friendship and acceptance. On the other, she couldn't shake the feeling that she was stepping into a world far more complicated than the one she was trying to leave behind.
"Hey, Brayden," she said as they climbed into the truck, "do you ever feel like... maybe this church isn't quite what it seems?"
Brayden paused, his hand on the ignition. For a moment, his perpetually cheerful face clouded with something that looked almost like doubt. But as quickly as it appeared, it vanished, replaced by his trademark grin.
"Nah, bro-ette," he said, firing up the engine. "It's all good here. We're just one big, happy, slightly dysfunctional family, you know? Now, how about we hit up the Protein Palace for some post-church gains? I hear they've got a new shake called 'The Resurrection Body' – it's to die for!"
As they pulled out of the parking lot, neither Candy nor Brayden noticed Pastor Dick watching them from his office window, his expression unreadable. The gears of divine comedy continued to turn, setting the stage for a series of events that would shake the Beverly Hills Holy Church to its very foundations.
Little did they know, the real tribulations were just beginning, and it would take more than tithes to see them through the storm that was brewing in the hallowed halls of 90210's holiest address.